I made a choice

I've read all the stories about how hard women tried to nurse, and then it didn't work out and so then they "resorted" to formula.

My story with my second son is different.

With my eldest, I tried to breastfeed. Unfortunately I ended up back in the hospital a day after discharge with sky high blood pressure. After a 4 day hospital stay, a magnesium treatment, and blood pressure meds we threw in the towel on breastfeeding. He was formula fed while I was in the hospital and was very angry when I tried to breastfeed him upon my return.

With my second son, I didn't have preeclampsia or the lingering blood pressure issues that had prevented me from nursing my first son. I was hoping it would work out this time, and I'd be able to do "the best thing" for my baby.

Sure, I produced enough milk. The lactation consultant who burst into my room and started fondling me before I knew her name was very excited to see how much I was producing even on that first day. Lucky me! My baby was a champion eater (still is as a toddler!) and latched with no issues. On paper we were a breastfeeding dream!

Turns out I hated it. I hated breastfeeding. I didn't feel bonded to my son, I felt trapped every time he cried. He would cry because he was hungry and I would cry because I knew I'd have to feed him. I found myself wishing it would be over as soon as possible - I found myself wishing my child would stop eating as soon as possible. I started to resent my husband and his freedom and ability to leave the house (as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a "whip a boob out in public" kinda gal) whenever he wanted, or his ability to not have to drop everything since he was the baby's only food source. I wanted to sleep and let him take advantage of his paternity leave and get up with the baby during the night once in awhile.

I just felt trapped.

So I made a choice - I CHOSE to give up breastfeeding my baby despite my good production and my champion eater and a complete lack of physical obstacles in our way. I chose to feed my baby formula, and the day I made that choice I became a better mom to him and his brother. I bonded with my baby in a much more significant way feeding him with a bottle than I did breastfeeding him. I was able to pay more attention to my older son, and help him adjust to his new brother because I wasn't constantly attached at the boob to his new brother. My husband was able to bond with his new son, since feeding a newborn is basically the only real interaction you have with them. Even at only 18 months, my eldest was able to help feed his brother and he LOVED it. We all bonded with the newest member of our family in ways made possible by my choice to formula feed.

What gets me the most about this whole thing is this notion that the more you suffer for your kids, the more miserable you are, the harder it is for you, the better mom you are. I read all these stories about moms suffering through breastfeeding and saying how miserable it made them and I wonder why they didn't just stop. Being miserable doesn't make you a good mom. Suffering through something doesn't make you a good mom. "Toughing it out" doesn't make you a good mom. What makes you a good mom is being there - physically, emotionally and mentally for your kids. If breastfeeding, or whatever else prevents you from doing that and you can stop it, then stop it. Your kids need your love more than they need your breast milk.

Moms shouldn't have to list all the ways they tried to breastfeed, or all the reasons it didn't work out for them. We should be able to say, "I formula feed my baby." Done. Period. No explanation necessary. We should trust that moms are doing what is best for them and for their babies, even if that is formula feeding, or baby wearing, or letting the baby cry it out. It might not be the right choice for us, but it is the right choice for that mom and her family.

I didn't resort to formula feeding, I chose to do it. And I'm a damn good mom.